10 Things Charlie Harper Says You Should Heed

The vast majority of us are nice, well-mannered people. We do our best to make other people happy and make sure they are comfortable.
 
We think that buying flowers and opening doors for women will result in dating bliss, but sometimes you’ve just got to be a bit of an asshole. Charlie Harper, from Two and a Half Men, has proved how useful this can be.  

1. Sometimes being selfish can be great

 
Rose: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.  

Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?  

Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...  

Charlie: Oh, my God!  

Rose: What?  

Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good.  

2. It’s not always about you, if you want to get what you want

 
Charlie: Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.  

Alan: So what do we talk about?  

Charlie: Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems!  

3. With new dates, try pay attention to your finances

 
Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a Playstation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.  

4. Sometimes it’s worth trying out a new look

 
Charlie: Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game.  

5. Don’t mess around where you don’t belong, even if you’re being selfish

 
Charlie: I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.  

6. Sometimes having a cute accessory is great, like a puppy or a kid

 
Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.  

7. Sometimes, having something to impress people with is important

 
Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?  

Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-Spot with two mortgages.  

8. Women care about your feelings, just not all the time  

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?  

Charlie: No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.  

9. Dress the part and women will be eating out the palm of your hand, get a nice watch

 
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.  

Jake: What if you have a digital watch?  

Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.  

10. Even men will love you if you act like Charlie Harper

 
Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"  

Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!  

Charlie: You think so?  

Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.