The Worst Romantic Flicks Ever
When it comes to snuggling up tight on the sofa with your partner and watching a movie, what you’re looking for isn’t necessarily bedroom fodder. You’re also not looking for any heart-wrenching tale of love lost. Oddly enough, a porno can probably provide both, but what we’re speaking about is the cherished and always popular genre of romantic comedies – this is what movie night is all about.
Romantic comedies usually consist of some fairly uncouth humor and rudimental situations, making them okay—and perhaps actually even enjoyable—for guys to watch. They also have the heart-melting quality of true love, usually found at the end, making them perfect for most women.
The qualities of a romantic comedy come together to create half chick-flick and have dude-pleaser, the total output of which usually being greater than the sum of its parts. Well, for a good romantic comedy, that is. Crappy ones are another story entirely.
A great movie, funny and edgy while still being original and entertaining, is definitely worth the time spent together watching it. A bad movie, on the other hand, can lead to a host of problems, none the least of which is the headache and all-around annoyed feeling gained from watching a craptastic piece of garbage in HD.
The worst romantic comedies out there remind couples of their own problems and totally defeat the escape-for-a-while purpose of movie night. Quality time turns into a time you wish you were Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap and could jettison out of the present into an old black lady’s past circa 1723. Serving biscuits to fat white Colonel Sanders lookalikes under fear of gang lashing probably beats out watching a piece of s#!* movie.
So, what makes a bad movie? Just pay attention to these horrid romantic comedies and you’ll quickly realize that the right mix of bad actors, bad writing and clichéd situations create a perfect mix of nonsense.
Rumor Has It
Released in 2005, Rumor Has It seemed to be nothing more than an attempt to thrust the rapidly aging Jennifer Aniston into yet another movie. We’ll make no promises here, but don’t be very surprised if the lovely (?) Ms Aniston shows up again on this list. And it’s not that she’s a bad actor, it’s just that… okay, damn. You got us. She sucks major cheeks.
This movie is like a weird remake of The Graduate, wherein Aniston’s mother and her grandmother both have flings with the same guy – the fell-completely-apart-after-Dances-with-Wolves Kevin Costner.
If you weren’t gagging yet, you will be once you realize that ol Kev-Kev not only throws it to big gramps and mommy dearest, but he also has a fling with Aniston’s character.
This weird semi-incestuous romp would be okay if it was funny, but you look at Jennifer and only one phrase comes to mind: “Angelina is hotter.” And when you look at Costner, you question the point of having 200 million dollars if you still look like the drunkard sleeping under the 405.
Alex & Emma
Rob Reiner is usually on top of his game when he puts out a movie. Sure, he’s no James Cameron. But after the obvious America-sucks overtone of Avatar, Cameron isn’t even Cameron anymore. He’s long past the days of Terminator, and obviously Reiner is another one who’s all but washed up after directing Alex & Emma in 2003.
As a romantic comedy, this movie fails on every conceivable level. Even though Luke Wilson is the brother with the golden nose, he’s still not Owen. And Kate Hudson (the 2003 version; the pot-head, still with Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes Kate Hudson) is just not the actress to pull of multiple character roles while entertaining audiences.
Alex & Emma seems more than a little moronic from the start. First of all, it not only stars the wrong Wilson brother, but they brought along rappers like Chino XL. What – you couldn’t get DMX out on work release?
When Alex, a successful novelist, is in debt up to six figures, he’s given only 30 days by thugs to write a novel. As he writes, “Emma,” a stenographer, comes to life and transforms into live-action characters from the novel. Emma isn’t selling it, and neither is Elsa, Anna, Eldora or Ylva.
Over Her Dead Body
Desperate Housewives was a massive success. It made aging, do-nothing, scheming and conniving women feel good about their plight. It gave them an onscreen role model. But forget Teri Hatcher and her extremely overrated breasts, it was Eva Longoria who sold the show to everyone under 40.
Over Her Dead Body is the movie that poorly attempted to capitalize on Longoria’s fame. Being the face of the hit show, the talk of red carpets, the dream addition to magazines pressured by Al Sharpton to cast anyone 2 shades darker than Sandra Bullock, and the new pinup fantasy of men everywhere, movie execs rushed to thrust Eva.
However, the movie simply fell completely flat as a romantic comedy. The jokes were old and grossly overused, the acting was far too forced, and the movie never frigging ends. The only thing funny about the flick was that Jason Biggs actually struts around like he can act. America Pie was righteous, sure, but we’re all about Stifler (or Stifler’s mom).
In this movie, Eva dies, becomes a ghost, and attempts to stop her finance from finding new love. And yes, it’s as bad as it sounds, especially with Paul Rudd in there. We actually like Paul, but he’s the guy who taught Vince Vaughn that it’s okay to play the exact same character in every movie. The only difference: Vince had a career from 1996 to 2004 and didn’t have to cater parties for minimum wage. The grasshopper took the pebble, Pauley. Do something!
My Boss’s Daughter
After That 70s Show and Punkd, Ashton Kutcher’s fame literally skyrocketed. No one is sure exactly why. Watching the guy try to act is like inserting a water hose as a catheter. But America has its reasons, I’m sure.
My Boss’s Daughter displays Ashton playing the same character he’s played since Kelso – a dim-witted spaz whose looks override his general lack of common sense. The plot: Ashton is kinda forced to housesit for his boss, where he then realizes his boss’s daughter (duh) has the hots for him.
Played by Tara Reid, the only thing good about this movie is you get an accurate picture of what Lindsay Lohan is going to look like in 10 years. As far as the quality goes, the setup couldn’t be lamer if they tried, and the writing was absolutely abhorrent.
We fully realize that this movie was merely a vessel to capitalize on Kutcher’s growing fame, but Hollywood needs to at least make sure the leading lady has a little bit of acting skill. And if you want to go full circle, just watch The People vs. Larry Flynt and pay attention to Courtney Love. That’s what Tara will look like in 10 years.
I’m not entirely fluent in Italian, but I’m fairly sure Gigli means “please just kill me now and get it over with.” Starring the then in love power couple of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck (Bennifer – okay, that deserves a LMAO), Gigli was one of the worst movies of all time.
What makes it really bad is that Bennifer caught the entire world’s attention. Ben was at the apex of his acting career, and Jennifer was proving to be the type of girl Hollywood loves – always willing to spread her legs and break off marriages after only a few months.
When this movie came out, however, people jumped off the wagon. Even Jennifer jumped off the wagon.
The entire movie makes little sense, Lopez proves she makes a better Fly Girl than actress, and Ben without Matt Damon or Bruce Willis to lean on is just tragic. It wasn’t funny; the only joke born from this film is that every bad movie since has been referred to as a “Gigli.”