Top 10 Best Valentines Gifts for People You Hate

Someone been bugging you? Perhaps there’s someone you simply love to hate? Read on for some darkly funny gift ideas for your least-beloved on Valentine’s Day.

  1. If your aim is to injure, subscribe your Valentine to a weight-loss program. Perhaps add a personalised note along the lines of, “Yes, your bum DOES look big in that.” Or for a male victim, “Weight gain = lost inches”.

  3. Everyone’s excited by a gift-wrapped box, so hide your hate in a pretty, ribbon-bound parcel, carefully wrapped to conceal the smell of rotting fish or dead flowers contained within. Send it to your Valentine and imagine the noxious surprise awaiting them when they tear off the wrapping.

  5. Need to get even with your most annoying neighbour? There’s no time like Valentine’s day to sign up to craigslist on their behalf, advertising their availability for no-strings, adult fun, with a preference for being smothered in mayonnaise. If you really hate your neighbour, you could consider attaching their picture to the ad.

  7. What about the boss who makes your working life hell? Consider registering him on dozens of mailing lists, or for better effect, buy him a subscription to a specialist magazine like “Tied ‘n’ Teased” or “Dom Direct”, and address it to the office.

  9. Create and dedicate an entire website to your unloved Valentine. Publicly vent all your negative feelings about them, and add some interest by including any embarrassing stories or photographs you may have of them. Once the site is up and running, invite all their exes to sign up and vent, too. You have to be really careful if you want to go this route, it can be considered libel and crossing this line can be dicey. You might not want to put yourself at risk of serious legal action.

  11. Mixtapes have always been popular with the girls. Make a special version for your valentine, replacing her favourite songs with her least-favourite sounds, courtesy of your own body. Burp, record your morning visit to the toilet, or just scream your most negative feelings into the microphone.

  13. Every inbox is inundated with spam ads for Penis Enlargement. Well, you may just have found a use for them, if your target of hate is a man. Simply click on the link, enter his details and request a free sample of Penis Enlargement Pills for delivery to his workplace.

  15. This one is simple, but effectively offensive. Visit your local clinic, collect a handful of STD information leaflets, and mail them to your Valentine in a pretty envelope.

  17. Most women will agree that the ultimate insult is receiving underwear in the wrong size. Buy her some sexy lingerie, sufficient to fit two of her.

  19. Finally, if you take your hatred really seriously and want a gift to give your Valentine nightmares forever, you can’t beat a copy of Windows Vista.